Weed

Marijuana is about as common in the poker world as tobacco, and is possibly even more so. A majority of players smoke weed. You do it at home while playing online, you do it at a live table if they let you vape inside, or you do it on the balcony or in the garage if you have to. But you do it. 

I don't. I've never sat at a poker table while high, and honestly I have no clue how you guys pull it off. When you all take bong hits, you can think about balancing ranges and ICM. When I'm baked, the snozzberries taste like snozzberries and you can't take me anywhere. I'm in awe. More power to the lot of you. 

However, I have witnessed some incredible things from my stoned poker friends. For example, I recently took a short trip to #theDIRTYDIRTY and shared a room with an old buddy of mine whose blood type is THC+. I had run like shit and was stuck a fucking metric ton, so I was holed up in the room trying to banish tilt. I had the covers pulled up over my head when I heard the electronic door lock grind into motion, and shortly thereafter my friend careened inside. 

"I'M TWEAKING MY FUCKING BALLS OFF!" He declared as he ripped his backpack open before stripping down to his boxers, and then proceeded to cock a fist and let 'er rip straight into the safe (fortunately, both fist and safe were unharmed). Clearly he'd taken some sort of stimulant earlier, another common practice in poker, and now needed to level out. I want to say that he pulled his vape out of his pocket, but that can't be true because most pairs of underwear don't have pockets, so I'll assume that the vape simply materialized out of thin air or apparated from somewhere in Hogsmeade (most likely The Three Broomsticks). He switched on the TV, turned the volume all the way up, and began committing the room service menu to memory:

"BACON CHEESEBURGER SIXTEEN DOLLARS."

Take a hit. 

"BACON CHEESEBURGER SIXTEEN DOLLARS."

Another hit. 

"BACON CHEESEBURGER SIXTEEN DOLLARS."

A third "Q."

"BACON CHEESEBURGER SIXTEEN DOLLARS."

The batman symbol. 

Ten minutes later, he was fast asleep. His vape looked lonely, bored, and neglected, so I cheered it up and gave it a job. Just like that, my sweatshirt became hilarious and my tilt dissolved. 

It's really hard to overstate how fortunate I was that it was not just readily available, but actually accessible. If you've been on the road without your preferred delivery system, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Is there anything more ghetto than the emergency bong you make in your hotel room at 3:00am when you literally can't come up with any other solution? You managed to find weed in an unfamiliar town, so good for you, but you need a vehicle or it's as useless as a eunuch. You prayed to the green god, and he answered, but you should have been more specific. The conversation probably went something like this:

"Dear dank deity, please provide."

"Of course, my child. Blessings be upon you."

"You have my eternal gratitude. Could you be so kind as to supply a conduit?"

"Lulzy. Here's three inches of tape, an old plastic water bottle, and a pen. Good luck."

You've been immediately transported back to the 8th grade, a time when you smoked out of whatever you could MacGyver together or face the horror of possibly remaining sober. It doesn't matter how much money you have if the thing you need to buy isn't available when you need it, so you get creative. Since you're intelligent and dedicated, it works out, and before long you're observing changes in the topography of spacetime. 

Major live events are different because absolutely everyone is doing it, and therefore someone will always have something you can use in a pinch. Weed is so prevalent during the WSOP that people have had to be told to not simply light up in the hallways at the Rio. It's absurd. You can get anything you want in Vegas at any time, but you have to actually make an effort to avoid marijuana during the series. It's everywhere, and we love it, because all poker players love a good time. 

Speaking of good times, right about now seems perfect. 

HighFi indeed.